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The Great Indian Marriage Tamasha

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Rachna

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Marriage tamasha
Pic courtesy: Wikimedia Commons

This weekend, I watched a couple of interesting docu-features on television. One was about finding life partners for the not-so-young upmarket Indian professionals. The story focused on a man, a woman and their struggles in the marriage market. The girl narrated how difficult it was meeting men and their parents. One tiny meeting was supposed to decide her fate. She shared how she picked the venue to meet and actually prepared for what she would ask the boy. December is the month when you see many NRIs coming to India on vacation. Their families pushing the boys to ‘see’ girls and get ‘settled’. Some of these boys end up seeing 3-4 girls in a day! Welcome to the Find The Mate Circus. The entire process seems so crazy even when I have been brought up in this country.

Dating is not easy in India. Women have it ingrained in them that their bodies are sacrosanct, that they must only enter into a relationship with a man if it is serious. Boys know that a promise of marriage is crucial if they want to take their relationship beyond the courtship phase. We have seen many complaints of rape being filed by jilted lovers when the man backtracks on this promise. Live ins are not common. And even there couples look for the sanctity of marriage to bring legitimacy to their relationship. In this scenario, it is quite possible that many haven’t really found a man/woman who they would like to take the marital plunge with. Though, you may be very comfortable with your singlehood, the Indian society tries to marry you as soon as possible. How else will they then push you to give them the khushkhabari (news of grandchildren)?  In this country, we just don’t like to mind our own business.

Hence, many girls and boys in their late 20s or early 30s with panicky mummyjees and papajees who feel that they have missed the marriage bus, go on these ‘seeing’ expeditions. It is a known fact that in India families play a very important role in our lives. And why not, when grown up children (adults) comfortably live with their parents. Many of them actually rely on their parents or in laws to bring up their kids while they climb the rungs of the Corporate ladder. But, this importance gets stifling when the parents push their wishes and views in selection of their adult children’s spouses. Let me not even go the regional/caste/religion/cultural criteria that they expect their offspring to stringently abide by.

The tales that the girl and the boy shared were quite sad. The girl had been rejected for the weirdest of reasons ranging from earning too much to her skin complexion and acne to her health. The boy was rejected because he was balding, did not have six packs or was close to his family. Don’t know if we can blame the system, our society or our own callousness when we don’t pause to think for a second about the emotional damage that we wreak on another human being when we reject them this ruthlessly. Perhaps, it embitters them to the other gender and also to the institution of marriage.

The larger issues of compatibility, mutual respect and love are set aside in the favor of somehow getting the boy and the girl married. I wonder if such marriages face more issues in terms of adjustment and sustainability. Why can’t we just leave our youngsters alone? Let them live happily and only get married when they find love instead of pressuring them because they are past a certain age or because our society tells them so?

Do you foresee the marriage tamasha ever changing in our society?

P.S: My post Travel and tears was recently published on HuffPost India. Do give it a read here if you haven’t already.

P.P.S: My husband has developed a fantastic website Desipricecompare.com which enables you to compare prices across various e-portals while shopping online. Get the lowest price and buy online from this website. You can also download Desi Price compare App on your Android or Iphone device and get the best prices online and buy while on the go. Do let me know if you have any feedback about the website or the Apps. It will be much appreciated!

90 responses to “The Great Indian Marriage Tamasha”

  1. Prasad Np Avatar
    Prasad Np

    The challenge in India is that your personal life including things like marriage, kids etc are everybody’s business and everybody has a solution for our problems… 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Wow, you are quick! 🙂 Yes, that is true. It is bugging and harmful as well. I really wonder if there will ever be an end to this?

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      1. Prasad Np Avatar
        Prasad Np

        When I am online I don’t miss your posts 🙂

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      2. Rachna Avatar
        Rachna

        Thanks a lot, Prasad! Means a lot. 🙂

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  2. simple girl Avatar
    simple girl

    Nope.. I do not see the marriage tamasha changing anytime soon..

    It is like the wrapper has changed, the chocolate inside is centuries old…
    Oh how my mother tried to persuade me to believe that the changed wrapper meant changed inside.. Now when I think about it, I am amused.. Earlier I was bitter..

    The fact that most young people give into it is what disappoints me.. Nevertheless to each is to its own..

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I understand what you are saying. I guess the young people also don’t have too much choice in a society that worships your married status and pushing you to get married and stay married.

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  3. janu Avatar
    janu

    Really bugging. The latest trend being..there are eligible grooms but not enough eligible brides. The girls now-a-days come with set parameters for a boy to be considered a groom and which I personally consider a + for Indian girls. Finally, they are able to reject boys 😀

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yep, some girls may have the luxury of rejecting boys. But there are many more who get rejected or end up compromising to satisfy their parents’ wishes. I felt really sad when the girl tried to hide her tears but her eyes were so sad with the numerous rejections. She also talked about the lofty expectations of an expensive wedding ceremony which many families outright ask for. 😦

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  4. Bhavana Rao Avatar
    Bhavana Rao

    Very nicely written Rachna.
    It feels suffocating. Like you said thinking about emotional damage is not a criteria, it seems 😦

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      It is so tragic, Bhavana. 😦 There are so many jilted boys and girls out there with their self esteem in tatters because they did not satisfy the society’s conventional criteria.

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  5. Priya Avatar
    Priya

    It really is a circus, isn’t it! And yet it carries on and often with the consent of prospective brides and grooms. Happy that girls are now able to reject as well. 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, it is quite a circus. The whole idea of it is rather tacky. Yes, girls finding a voice is a welcome change.

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  6. Anita Desai Avatar
    Anita Desai

    Some good observations here Rachna. Currently, India is juggling the many changing social parameters, while arranged marriages continue to thrive, live-in relationships and extended courtships are growing steadily too. In fact, they are experimenting with all that is taboo 😉 much earlier and before the d-day. The current cyber-generation is somewhat sandwiched between the moralistic Indian cultural and that of a global citizen that advocates its right to choose. I remember when I worked at an Embassy several years ago and announced my arranged engagement/wedding, the expat staff was shocked to hear that I was marrying a complete stranger. One of them asked me, “what would you do if six months or a year after marriage you realise this isn’t what you wanted?” Let me leave it here coz there are so many different answers, even I have changed so much since then :). Thoroughly enjoyed reading this post.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I agree with you that we are juggling many social parameters. Arranged marriages thrive happily with self-arranged and love marriages. Our marriages are unique in that sense. Yes, the individual’s right to choice is stronger than ever and conflict comes into picture when that is not adhered to. I think that the things are changing slowly but they need to at a faster rate. Thanks so much for reading, Anita. Wish you and your family a very Happy New Year.

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  7. Beloo Mehra Avatar
    Beloo Mehra

    While I don’t deny that such tamasha happens in the arranged marriage scenario in India, somehow I find it silly that only one side of the story (in which all the awkward, embarrassing and obnoxious scenarios are played out) is shown in such documentaries on Indian marriage, esp arranged marriage. There are many, many, many scenarios where nothing of this sort ever happens and things work out very nicely and smoothly. But I guess no documentaries or stories or reports ever get written/produced about those because they are not newsworthy. This one-sided-ness of the whole discourse on Indian social customs and practices and comparing everything (implicitly or explicitly) with the popular practices prevalent in the so-called “liberated” western practices must be carefully reconsidered. When will we start examining our practices – good or bad – in the light of our Indian views on individual, society, family, life, etc etc….? Unless we do that, how can we expect to change anything? Just my humble opinion, of course 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I understand what you are saying, Beloo. But, I feel it is important that we have all kinds of discourses. Nothing becomes good or bad just because it is part of a culture. Cultural practices evolve over time. My parents had an arranged marriage where they had never even met each other. But they were a truly fantastic couple. I, however, threw a fit when I was asked to meet boys. I wanted to know the boy on my own before thinking of a huge decision like marriage. Of course, it was important for me that my parents approved of my choice. So yes, it is a modification of the age-old practice but it had to evolve to incorporate my thinking and my upbringing. Often, parents and relatives force their way through which is not helpful. I am not against arranged marriages or self-arranged ones (via internet portals) but only for some humane approach to this entire situation. The documentary was just one such instance. I know first hand from many young women how they are constantly hounded by society and ruthlessly rejected by men for being too ‘modern’ without knowing them at all. It is our society that still has evils like dowry, lavish weddings and excesses from the groom’s side. We must first acknowledge these facts instead of defending all that we consider is our culture. Again, my humble view. 🙂

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      1. Beloo Mehra Avatar
        Beloo Mehra

        I am not saying we should defend something because it is part of our culture. Never. I would never defend just for the sake of defending. All I mean to say is that it is high time we start analyzing and interpreting our social practices and customs within the intellectual framework of Indian categories. Certainly, Indian view of individual, individual life, individual’s relation with society, aim of life etc etc are all very different from what other cultures have come up with. Unless we start learning about and analysing our problems (including the problem of why arranged marriage tamasha often becomes so disturbing and oppressive and a sham) from within our cultural-intellectual framework we will only be painting black and white images of our lives and worlds. I have nothing against this or that method of finding a life-partner, or who one finds or chooses to spend one’s life with, trust me on that. I have within in my own family all sorts of examples and all fully supported and blessed by the family elders without any drama or tamasha. In my social circle I have all kinds of examples…much to blast all kinds of stereotypes of the so-called “regressive, Indian social practices” …but that is not the point. Individually we can do whatever we like. But when it comes to adding our voice to the intellectual discourse about a topic, I am always a bit cautious about not adding my voice to the already extremely loud stereotypes that are out there about Indian customs and practices. And we inadvertently do that when we ignore the fact that any social practice may have a different interpretation when seen in the light of the deeper views our held by our cultural view on life and reality. For example, does the Indian view look at “marriage” same as the Western view? We need to find this out as our starting point if we really want to understand why and how the “arranged marriage tamasha” began? Anyway, this is getting longer and longer, so I better stop here. But I must thank you for writing this post, which motivated me to write down all this (esp since I am a bit out of writing zone these days) 🙂 Thanks for listening and for being a good sport about all this. Always good to exchange thoughts with you 🙂 Hugs.

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      2. Rachna Avatar
        Rachna

        Thanks, Beloo. Feel free to share deeper contexts so that all the readers may benefit from the understanding. My effort is not to belittle any custom or its cultural significance just perhaps that it may need evolving or a facet needs to be done away with. I hate the loud stereotypes as well and hope to God that none of my posts come in that category ever. 🙂 If my posts make people ponder and question, then I have achieved my goal. It is always great to exchange thoughts with you as well. I actually loved all the conversation on this post, so many myriad views. Hope to see you writing prolifically again. Hugs back.

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  8. Bikram Avatar
    Bikram

    Will things change in india hmmmmm mmm a BIG question.. dont know what to say because I know they wont. But i think things here in uk are changing last year i saw all sorts of relations being made and kids are actually making their own decisions, the age has gone up to in their 30’s .. yes you heard it right.. most of the weddings i went to the couple were above 30…

    Since 1st of jan We have had a little mishap in the family and I have been witnessing a influx of people coming to visit us and I have met so many people and listening to their conversation, and that has left me in a doldrum, I read so many blogs and also conversed with a lot of bloggers , talking to them I thought things in our nation are changing.. but the last few days have been telling me otherwise , reality is different I dont see any change.

    Another thing is as the above comment most of the documentaries are always one sided, we get to hear one side of the story I am yet to find a documentary where both sides are told .. and told sincerely, I am not a big fan of indian documentaries because i feel they are more for TRP ratings rather than actual facts, many such episodes have earlier turned out to be completly false..

    hence the little change of law nowadays where if a woman who files a report against the in laws is NOT given preference all the time … ok i am going on a tangent here …

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, in Indian cities we do come across couples marrying in their 30s which is good in the sense that hopefully they made that choice. But in smaller towns and villages, I don’t think this is happening. We still see ads on TV that ask you not to get your girl married before 18. The disconnect is so big that I had a tough time explaining to my kids why they would have this ad in the first place. Isn’t that an age when you should still be studying? Oh yes, documentaries can be one-sided and all that but I just need to look around me and among my friends and I know that the reality is not too different. I don’t think laws can do anything here, Bikram. It is the mindset which is obsessed with getting people married that is annoying. And if you ended up loving someone outside your community, well I am sure we read some of those instances too in our papers.

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  9. Ash Avatar
    Ash

    SO true! The whole marriage process here is such a joke… forget about larger issues like compatibility and trust and adding joy to your life; its all about complexion and money and gifts and relatives and neighbours and showing off and endless rituals…

    Do have a look at my latest post too… http://e-pinion.blogspot.in/2014/11/what-indian-parents-really-need.html

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      It is so sad that in many cases, it does descend to these superficial criteria. Will read your post soon.

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  10. C. Suresh Avatar
    C. Suresh

    No wonder I never got married. I HATE shopping – and to enter the marriage market to shop around for a suitable spouse – Ewwwww! 🙂 (THAT is how it has always seemed to me – this modus operandi for marrying. Where is the room for a relationship between two people when all you have time for is to go through your checklist?)

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      hahaha Your comment cracked me up. Checklist — yep it sure seems that way.

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  11. Kokila Gupta Avatar
    Kokila Gupta

    you are right Rachna …It seems like a catch 22 situation but i feel the system is basically good ..It has turned or we have made it bad… really bad, stinky and a true tamasha now… with education, freedom and knowledge we are getting more conservative, gossipy and sham … How shamelessly we place matrimonial ads for a “slim, fair ,….. girl” or “earning in 7 figures groom ” Its in real bad situation and almost everybody is fine with it.. But exceptions are DEFINITELY there where its still useful and graceful in its proper form. though yes, very few ..
    Nice post 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, Kokila, I liked your balanced comment. I agree that the system may still be useful for some. But, I don’t see anything wrong with choosing your own life partner out of love. Shouldn’t marriage be about love? And hence shouldn’t the choice of choosing the life partner rest finally with the girl and the boy? Yes, we all use parents as our sounding boards (if they are rational and sound of thought). The associated shenanigans like disgusting ads, shameless parading and taunts, expectations of a lavish wedding and dowry are all best done away with.

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      1. Kokila Gupta Avatar
        Kokila Gupta

        apologies first for the late reply …
        Then I agree with you … as YOU are sound hence YOUR choice of a partner will (had been :P) be sound … my point is with half baked ideas of crazy love the love marriages are as infested with worms as arranged ones ..
        I have seen with my own not so beautiful eyes girls ‘falling in love’ with a guy who at first they thought cheap because the ‘Salman Khan’ is not coming and all guys are being picked up fatafat. the moment he proposed it all about lehangas and choodas ….

        Your article is about the ‘TAMASHA’ ‘WE’ have made out of marriage ….

        What i am saying is – ” AS a nation we are interested in WEDDING and not in the MARRIAGE .” That’s the root I guess …
        (of your post and my replies too .. on same page 🙂 🙂

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      2. Rachna Avatar
        Rachna

        You make perfect sense to me. 🙂 Yes, if the guy and the girl are not mature enough, the union is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes, I think that we are in love with the idea of love and wedding. As you pointed out instead of nurturing connect, girls go into the wedding planning mode. Terrible really.

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  12. Avinash Avatar
    Avinash

    Rachna, really loved your post and i totally agree with you that this is nothing, but tamasha and really irritating phase of life when each of your so called well-wishers want to jump the ship.

    Kudos

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Thanks, Avinash! Yes, the entire world and their relatives do not hesitate in giving you advice about the most important decision in your life.

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  13. sangeetha menon Avatar
    sangeetha menon

    Rachna,

    So so true!

    India is a place where people have no time for themselves but have all time for others especially during the peak marriage times!

    When a guy or girl passes her marriageable age, he/she is considered bechaara, good for nothing, have serious problems and what not.

    Once they get married and have no kids, again the surprised looks, raised eye brows ..

    Its quite funnny If i may say so.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, it can be amusing if it does not happen to oneself. Seriously, I don’t understand why in our country everyone is worried about getting everyone else married off desperately and urgently. Thanks for reading, Sangeetha.

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  14. uma Avatar
    uma

    True ! Many parents and even the adults children gets panicky when they don’t get married at the age in par with their society/brought up. I cannot complain the parents or their children but the society which talks back , front and even on the sides. Such is the Indian system. Changing the mentality is quite far but not impossible and takes time. Well written!

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, Indian society is intrusive in that way. In cities, at least the things are marginally better. But, elders are generally very concerned about every single person in the neighborhood. The mindset change will take some time as you’ve mentioned. Thanks for reading, Uma.

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  15. Jatin Adlakha Avatar
    Jatin Adlakha

    Hahha, every word a gospel truth. It’s sad that to realize that all we brought up and studied for and did whatever was in order to ‘get settled’, because that is what is the ingrained mentailty of our society. But I sense the times changing now…

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Times are definitely changing but not for all and not uniformly. Exactly my point — marriage is not the only purpose in life as people often think and want us to believe. Thanks for reading, Jatin.

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  16. Avinash Avatar
    Avinash

    Ok, I misspelled your name in the earlier comment. Can I blame it to Monday ?

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      hehe I corrected that. Thanks for reading, Avinash.

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  17. Sid Avatar
    Sid

    Will it change anytime soon? I doubt it. Yes, the mindsets are changing, albeit slowly. But I guess it’ll only happen by the time our little ones have their little ones (should they choose to, that is!).

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Amen to that even if it is not in the foreseeable future.

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  18. rationalraj2000Rajeev Moothedath Avatar
    rationalraj2000Rajeev Moothedath

    So much of truth in this post!

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Thanks, Rajeev.

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  19. Saru Singhal Avatar
    Saru Singhal

    You summed it right – compatibility, mutual respect and love are irrelevant. The day we make decision on these factors than on looks/money/caste, we will see healthy marriages in India.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I completely agree with you, Saru.

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  20. Roshni Avatar
    Roshni

    I guess within a generation or two, things should change! Even now, many youngsters choose to go on shaadi.com or match.com to choose their life partners! Anyway, what are those websites but virtual matchmakers arranging a marriage in cyberspace!?!

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I see nothing wrong with the idea of arranged marriages. They have worked well for generations in our country and will continue to for many. My only problem is with the shenanigans associated. The dekhna dikhana business where a girl often feels like an object to be shown and approved. Can’t they just let the boy and girl meet in someplace impersonal where they can talk. Can’t the parents meet later? Can they allow them to meet many times before making the decision. I mean, the entire scenario must change with the times. We must acknowledge that our parents must leave the final choice of a life partner in the hands of their children. Also, marriage is not the all-encompassing purpose of life as it is made out to be in India. There are just so many things that need to get better.

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  21. vinay nagaraju Avatar
    vinay nagaraju

    A nice post Rachna. It sure is a very tricky thing – marriage in India. And when you say you love someone, most times it is looked as a crime and people are ready to pounce on you and say why exactly you are wrong, without really thinking as to why the decision was made in the first place.

    I have found myself challenged when someone asks me to explain arranged marriages in India. A system which has prevailed for so long.. My god! Where is personal choice coming to!

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Thanks so much, Vinay. Yes, love marriages are often looked down upon especially for considerations like class, caste, religion etc. Shouldn’t the elders know that is good that the girl and boy actually like each other? Arranged marriages have worked in India and will continue to do so for a long time to come. But personal choice needs to be factored in with changing times.

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  22. alkagurha Avatar
    alkagurha

    It’s so complicated these days, with rising aspirations and career demands. We want everything but everything comes at a price. While society has no right to pressurize, the pressure comes from all sides including parents and close friends. For girls it is worse because the biological clock begins to tick.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, Alka, I agree. And that is the sad part. If your parents and close friends stand by you then you will automatically care less for the society. The whole scenario is a big mess now. I just know one thing. I will never do bride hunting for my children. 🙂

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  23. purbaray Avatar
    purbaray

    All i know is I’ll never put my daughter through this torture. Financial independence before anything else.
    But it’s sad that parents encourage their daughters to seek a career and then fuss endlessly when she can’t find an eligible match.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Absolutely! I have already told my boys that they can lead as independent a life as they want. I don’t foresee myself bride hunting for them. The pressure that parents put on their daughters and sons is just crazy these days.

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  24. nabanita Avatar
    nabanita

    I don’t think it will change in the immediate future Rachna…My friend who is yet to be married has faced so many ridiculous questions or statements rather…’If I find out you ever had a boyfriend I will leave you’ or “After marriage you will not be able to go onsite even for short term” or “How much savings do you have and after marriage you can’t spend on your side of the family”… All these just make me feel so bad about our country…But the moment I say something so self righteous self proclaimed guardian of all things Indian comes at me with the philosophies of being Indian and our Indian culture! I tell you things are not going to change unless we take this upon us in whatever small way we can..

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Ugh! I wonder how someone can decently pose these questions/conditions on their future life partner. How entitled they must feel? Yes, the change has to come from us. Luckily, my parents were open minded and humane. I plan to be the same to my children. In our own way, we will change mindsets one step at a time.

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  25. Vidya Sury Avatar
    Vidya Sury

    I can’t ever see it changing, Rachna – because there’s always an outside influence to which the boy/girl can pass the buck. I am a fan of the police procedural – Savdhaan india and Crime Patrol, among others, and watch them regularly. The cases are shocking. What’s depressing is, they are all true incidents. As long as there are human beings, there will be all sorts of crazy behaviors. And the society is always there to egg them on. After all, what’s deep rooted through the centuries will take its own time to go away.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I like Crime Patrol too. It keeps my eyes open. About the marriage tamasha I do hope that parents like us do not put our kids through the same misery. Nice to have you here after quite some time.

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  26. The Fool Avatar
    The Fool

    This is one topic I don’t need to think about for at least 15 more years. As I wrote in my recent post, I believe every change is good in long run – only point to ponder is if it is happening at a pace which society can digest or not. Radicals will always want a pace greater than society can take while ultra conservatives will try to totall prevent change. Overall an equilibirium will be achieved and things will happen at a pace they are supposed to be. I am pretty neutral to all these things. But in arguments tend to take the side of conservatives as the rational thinking space on the radicals side is overcrowded and I don’t want to bustle for space.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      A very diplomatic comment, K. 🙂 I operate from the space of fairness. I did not want this when I was getting married, and my parents allowed me that space. No seeing or shown expeditions were done. And I will offer the same to my children. It is a really simple philosophy for me.

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  27. TTS Avatar
    TTS

    sigh. story of my life.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Sigh! Indeed.

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  28. Preethi Avatar
    Preethi

    It is the great Indian tamasha indeed. I have seen lots of couples suffering the after effects of this tamasha. If we don’t give the freedom of choice, the institution of marriage will soon die a miserable death. For any relationship to survive, there has to be love. And this tamasha is more like a business deal where there is no love. I have undergone it too so can understand the feelings of the girl involved. It must be equally ridiculous for the boy too.
    I pray that at least for our kids we can be generous to allow them to find a partner at their own pace and choice.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      You perfectly summed up my sentiments, Preethi. I will never put my kids through this. Luckily, I did not go through this. I had put my foot down, and my parents let me have my way. I just hope more parents do that.

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    2. The Fool Avatar
      The Fool

      I usually don’t butt in on comments of others – but this comment ‘the institution of marriage will soon die a miserable death’ – could not resist – if you look at what is really happening, it is here in India where marriage is surving and in Western European countries where there is full freedom, marriage is dying a miserable death. Not supporting the system or anything – just pointing out a point of fact.

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      1. Rachna Avatar
        Rachna

        You make a valid observation here. Marriages survive more in India than in other cultures. The question is whether they do so out of societal pressures and suppression of personal rights or due to a genuine upholding of the institution.

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      2. The Fool Avatar
        The Fool

        Of course that is there. Intrestingly, while divorces are more prevalent in USA, in Europe more and more people are just deciding not to marry at all any more – so this institution itself may disappear there in the next two decades or so.

        And actually my European friends told me they are all having unrealistic expectations due to the unbridled freedom of choice they have and so finding it hard to find happiness – they were mentioning maybe some restriction may lower expectations and make happiness easier to find.

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      3. Rachna Avatar
        Rachna

        Yes, I have noticed that as well. Many of them do not get married preferring a live-in arrangement to a legally-binding marriage. I guess each culture has its idiosyncrasies. Too much of anything is bad. No matter what I hope we always continue to be close to our families. I just wish our society could be a bit more empathetic. I have nothing against arranged marriages or even marriages just the way in which the mate finding process happens in India.

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  29. Nisha Avatar
    Nisha

    It’s indeed very tragic to see how girls and boys have to find a partner for themselves. Love, kind of, takes a back seat and the sole purpose is companionship and child bearing. I’m glad that some people atleast exchange emails and a few telephonic conversations before they actually decide to meet. How can anyone choose a partner in one meeting? No wonder our previous generations are a miserable lot.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Exactly, how do you choose a life partner in one meeting? It is beyond ridiculous. I think the girls and the boys really must put their foot down.

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  30. Ashwini CN Avatar
    Ashwini CN

    I’ve been hearing a lot of first-hand stories from friends who have been going through this ‘seeing’ process. I hear more about engaged couples calling off weddings or 2 month marriages resulting in divorce. We are more focussed on physical appearance and bank balance, that we forget to look for some kind of compatibility or try to understand the other person. Sad.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      True, Ashwini. And how will we look for those important things when we do this seeing shown business. How much can the girl and guy really know each other? Should this process really be this rushed where there is no time given to let a bond develop. It is weird really but strangely most people don’t feel it so.

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  31. Found In Folsom Avatar
    Found In Folsom

    Looks like you triggered quite a conversation with this post, my dear. All the points the girl/guy mentioned for being rejected are true in reality. I know of marriages where after marriage, issues like these are playing a major role. Many husbands are ‘close’ to their family. Which means they talk/skype/face time with moms/family twice a day. There are more important things than these is what the wives say. Sorry, I am digressing. I think we will have to discuss this over a cup of coffee or on the phone 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I enjoy conversation and hearing all points of view. 🙂 Yes, we will discuss this in depth. There is a certain rot in our society especially when we go bride or groom hunting.

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  32. Ina Avatar
    Ina

    Our culture is slowly evolving Rachna. There might come a day when this tradition stops. It is so damn insulting .. like a sack potato being picked up .. and before that pressing your finger, poking your fingers around the sack to see if there is any water retention. It is the mentality that needs to change and however tough it is .. it has to start from the girl’s parents.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      I agree wholeheartedly with you, Ina. I think the girl and her parents must make a beginning. I just despise the process of being seen and shown. Do it with dignity where both the parties do not end up feeling insulted. Thanks so much for reading, Ina.

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  33. mvenkatk Avatar
    mvenkatk

    the main challenge is our lives, first the Indian marriage system is the unique there is no system in the universe and every people are obey the rules of Indian marriage system, now many countries are followed our marriage system and our culture is the best culture in the world Rachana

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      To each their own views.

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  34. The Fool Avatar
    The Fool

    Btw, Rachna, I hardly do any online shopping unless I got some free voucher or something – but will still check out the app. And regarding Huffington, already congratulated.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Ah! I wish you shopped online. 🙂 Will look forward to your feedback about the website and the App. Thanks again for the congratulations.

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  35. Rajlakshmi Avatar
    Rajlakshmi

    The Bride or Groom hunting has become like a bazaar. Instead of checking chemistry and emotional connect, they look for things as superficial as onsite job and beauty. I am not against arrange marriages … it’s somewhat like blind dates or online dating portal, but in the latter you know a person before jumping right into it. But when parents start dictating your life… even dictate on how to bring your own baby, it’s just sad. I see so many of my friends complaining how they can’t raise their kids the way they want to because of interference.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Rajlakshmi, you are so right. I am not against arranged marriages at all either. But the excessive interference and the mindless way of approaching mate finding gets on my nerves. Why can’t it be done decently by allowing the brides and grooms their time and space? Thanks for reading.

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  36. Richa Avatar
    Richa

    Honestly I don’t see anything wrong in a ‘seeing’ expedition. It is just our cultural way of meeting. Ofcourse I would prefer that the guy and girl met more number of times before the final decision. Huge egos and inflated self worth bring misery to so many girls and guys who deserve the very best but if they don’t like who they want to marry, it is for the best for both the parties instead of further rancor later.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Technically, there is nothing wrong if it is done in a way which does not make either party feel like objects. Also, asking the boy or girl to choose after just one meeting is plain ridiculous like you mentioned. I think the process needs to evolve with the changing times and mindsets. Also, while the families must have a say, it should not be greater than the say of the people who will be spending the life together.

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  37. jaishvats Avatar
    jaishvats

    We still have arranged marriages in India and when that’s the case love develops later . So there needs to be some criteria to choose someone and this has been causing more and more thamaasha. Mine was an arranged one and I do believe in that system….Not all would be successful in finding life partners and for them this works great … but yes the criteria and the demands and expectations are getting crazier everyday 🙂 Loved the line ‘ we simply cannot mind our own business ‘ 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      You are right, Jaish. Arranged marriages are common in India, and I understand the need to meet formally and also with the families. As you rightly pointed out, the criteria, demands and expectations are getting crazier and basic humaneness is getting tossed out. Oh yes, we can’t mind our own business in this country. 🙂

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  38. Shailaja V Avatar
    Shailaja V

    Ha ha ha at the ‘Khushkhabari’! Seriously, people need to start worrying about themselves and stop poking their noses into other people’s businesses. Then again, society will not allow that to happen. Not in a hurry. Thought-provoking post, as always, Rachna 🙂

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Thanks, Shailaja. Even with good intentions excessive interference is stifling. The whole tamasha is so silly.

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  39. Rekha Avatar
    Rekha

    I cannot talk for the entire society yet I take this opportunity to say that things are changing. More and more families are becoming fare and accepting. This considering the marriages that I have attended within family and close circle in the past ten years. Also, I always recommend and support the institution of marriage. To me it will always remain sacred if there is compatibility and understanding between the partners. I am not at all against people who wish to stay single. It has to be one’s own choice.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Yes, things are changing for sure. I have the deepest regard for the institution of marriage too. I have nothing against arranged marriage either. It has worked well in our setup and will continue to. I just object to the hurried process and the change of focus from values and lineage to wealth and looks. Also there is a huge conflict between the aspirations of children and their parents.

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  40. Tuhin Avatar
    Tuhin

    Hello Rachna,

    I agree with what you have mentioned about the indian marriage scenerio. However I find things are changing gradually in the Urban India. The key lies in educating the girls and making our women self sufficient and independent.

    Recently I have witnessed some marriages where the bride had the full freedom to choose or reject their respective grooms, thanks to their very supportive parents. It feels nice to see that in India, parents are gradually learning to respect their girl’s choices.

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    1. Rachna Avatar
      Rachna

      Hi Tuhin, Welcome to my blog. Oh yes, things are changing for sure. Many families, as you’ve mentioned, give complete freedom of choice to their girls. It is a wonderful change to witness. I just wish every girl in this country could have that freedom.

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I’m Rachna

Welcome to Rachna says, my first abode on the internet where I share snippets of my mundane life, as I navigate empty nest with my husband. You can also get my recipes at my food blog, Rachna cooks.

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