For someone like me who disseminates gyan like a broken hose on all things relationships, I wrung my hands in glee when I saw the topic: Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage. In India, this has always been a favorite topic of conversation. This is a common question that women ask each other when they meet for the first time. Those who’ve had arranged marriages would give a slightly glum expression and say, “arranged marriage” suggesting that it was passé but they endured it. And, those who found their partner by way of love get all perked up and moony while replying very proudly, “love marriage” like it is a conquest they made. And, they almost seem to egg you on to extract the juicy details – that first meeting, falling in love, opposition from parents and how things ended in happily ever after (or not :)).
For those not living in the sub-continent, arranged marriage is a concept fit for aliens! Who in their right mind would select a life partner based on their parents’ choice? But, in India, we have seen it happen for years, and it does work out well. Isn’t it also true that families have a huge role to play in our lives in India? We continue to live with our parents till we get married even if it is till our late 20s or 30s. Parents pay for their kids’ education, sometimes putting everything at stake building their kids’ lives. They are extremely attached to their children and often find it hard to let go or strike a balance when the kids are grown-up adults. Parents continue to toss “they know better” and that “they have the best interests of their kids at heart” every time they need to convince their adult son or daughter to make a particular decision especially marriage. Not entirely correct I’d say at the risk of brickbats. Well, if your kids are old enough to be adults, to be employed, to vote and to marry; then they are old enough to choose their life partners as well. No, you don’t know what is best for them because only two people getting into matrimony know what they desire from marriage and from their life partners. These adults need to interact with each other for long periods of time to understand if there is compatibility of views on larger issues in life without any pressures. Their decision to say no must be respected at all cost. And, if you have the best interests of your children at heart then their happiness would be of primary importance to you not reasons like caste, language, religion or any other concern that you might have!
What can be wrong about falling in love with a person and wanting to marry them? For one, love can move mountains. People have been known to have great understanding and adaptability if their relationship is based on genuine love and caring for each other. They also can smooth over irritants like cultural differences etc. if their hearts want to make the relationship work! You will see examples of inter-caste and inter-religious marriages that thrive despite all opposition. And, don’t they have a right to make their own mistakes! Besides, girls have a better leverage in families where they are the choice of their husbands rather than those of parents. Hence clearly love marriages are preferable in today’s day and age when girls and boys are more independent, ambitious and modern in their thinking.
But, love might not happen for some at all. And, in such circumstances, it makes a lot of sense to choose your partner through the arranged marriage route. Now, I am not backtracking on my thinking. I am merely saying that a girl and a boy can meet each other even if they are not in love and see if they can find qualities in each other that they would cherish in a life partner. My only objection is that arranged marriages often put the appropriate criteria to be caste, language, religion, looks, family, and horoscopes much higher than the actual people and their compatibility and their qualities. Hence a modified arranged marriage route can be taken where the boy and girl meet a number of times to really get to know each other well and to go through a faux courtship route! It is crucial that they only agree to a marriage based upon mutual liking and understanding. The emphasis must be on sharing as much as possible and not hiding as is normally done in Indian society. This route of arranged marriage can work as a beautiful middle-ground that works both for the girl and the boy and their respective families. Most families that speak in favor of arranged marriages today have actually gone through this evolved arranged marriage route or prolonged period of knowing each other/courtship, only their circumstances of meeting their life partners were not dictated by love but by destiny.
Of course, what happens after marriage is another ball game altogether :). No one and their grandfather can predict the success of a marriage. When you begin living with a person, even one you have had a prolonged affair with, life is very different. You now have jobs to take care of, a home to run, do groceries, pay bills and somewhere in between find time to adjust to each other’s funny quirks and expectations. Romantic love takes a backseat, and what takes you through is a lot of understanding, patience, mutual respect, sense of humor, great conflict management and loads of communication. Give each other loads of space to breathe, thrive and grow! Togetherness never meant obsessive control, but taking pride in each other’s happiness. Marriage is no bed of roses, and those that do not enter into matrimony with this knowledge might fall very hard. Life evolves and changes at every step after marriage, and you have to keep pace and adapt as you trudge along.
At the end of the day, if the positives outweigh the negatives, and if you still want to sleep and wake up next to the same person everyday, then the marriage has been worth it. The fun lies in the journey, all bumps and grinds notwithstanding as will tell you all married couples. So, here’s to the beautiful journey called marriage!
For those interested in reading about my tryst with destiny, go right ahead :).
I leave you with some spicy marriage quotes:
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. Adela Rogers St. John
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it. Unknown
To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up. Ogden Nash
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