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Child Bullies

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My younger son, Gautam, is extremely shy outside the house. He is mostly introverted, finds it hard to open up, make friends, or interact much with other kids his age. There is this child at school, in the same class but a different section who seems to pick on him many a times. Couple of times, he complained to me that this fellow had kicked him, once he came crying to me. And, I took up the matter with the Kindergarten Coordinator who said that she would look into it. This happened a few days ago that Gurdev had gone to pick him up. He saw this boy P, coming and pinching him on his cheeks without any provocation.

Yesterday, the two of us had gone to pick up Gautam, when we saw P’s mother standing there. Gurdev spoke to her telling her that her son is bullying our son, and that she must try to speak with him. Her mother’s response was strange. She said that maybe because Gautam does not mingle, he might get picked upon! What the hell! Gurdev told her that a shy child is not a punching bag for anyone. And, that all he is asking is to tell her child to not be hostile to other kids. 
Any wonder then, that we complain that kids are turning out to be brats. Parents are so quick in turning a blind eye to their children’s faults not realizing that they are doing more harm than good. I remember that Sid had a lot of trouble with older boys too. And, finally we have to end up teaching our kids to give it back. If someone hits them, retaliate. In this violent world, if a child stays meek, the others are waiting to pounce on him. It is a sad situation. What else can be done except for taking up the issue with the teacher and the relevant parent — teach self defense, I guess!

PS Today, when I went to pick him up, he was all excited. He told me that P had kicked him again, and when he tried to kick back, he ran off. So, he went chasing, finally caught up with him and gave him 2-3 slaps. He pointedly told me that P did not hit him again. I was happy that he could handle the situation. Though, I told him that he must never hit a child for no reason otherwise he would get the same treatment from them. I don’t know how this thing would play out in the days to come…

31 responses to “Child Bullies”

  1. bbsearchingself Avatar
    bbsearchingself

    We face the same problem as sonny too is very very shy to the point that stangers ask us whether he actually speaks.I agree its parents themselves who make their kids bullies. Isn’t it parents duty to correct their child when they are wrong. But no, I see parents laugh in pride.My theory is whatever dhamaal/destruction u have to do, do it at home but in their case it is the exact opposite.I suppose rather than teach them manners, first we have to teach our kids to stand up for themselves

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  2. SUFFIX Avatar
    SUFFIX

    We have to build confidence and good manners to our kids, it is so early for Gautam to learn all together, your moral support will definitely boost. P’s mom is wrong!!

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  3. BK Chowla, Avatar
    BK Chowla,

    I have a slightly different take.Forget about talking to any one.Tell your son to stand up for himself and fight his way through and that is the way it is.Tell him that your confident that he will fight back.He will.TRY IT

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  4. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @bbsearchingself You are so right! Even I have to keep doling out explanations about my son’s shyness. I know, what is there to feel pride at hitting someone who does you no wrong? And, lastly that is what we are trying to do, teach both my sons to stand up for themselves. We have to even tutor Siddharth in what insults he can hurl back when certain kids verbally insult him.@suffix I totally agree. We have to teach him good manners and also not to take rubbish from anyone. Why must he suffer and cry, just because someone else does not know how to behave?@BKChowla Yes, Sir. We did tell him that. He seemed to follow that today. I also aim to make him tough to handle these kinds of bullies.

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  5. Chandrika Shubham Avatar
    Chandrika Shubham

    Congrats ur child has grown up now!He can handle situations on his own. 🙂

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  6. Bart Avatar
    Bart

    I see some commenters talk about fighting back. I disagree: I don’t believe that agression is the solution. A little agression is OK, but there’s a chance that the teaser will try to invoke agression.What I do believe, is that bullies pick out the shy and introvert. So the most effective way to counter bullies, is to build self-esteem by being assertive. Walk up to the bully and call him out.

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  7. RGB Avatar
    RGB

    I’ve seen that happen too. Once my maid told me that when one of the neighbour’s kids beat Roann (my elder daughter) on her head, she didn’t react. Back home, when my maid told her that she should have stood up for herself, she very calmly said, “oh, that’s ok…she’s just a little kid who doesn’t know to behave”. I was mighty impressed and mighty proud of her. Such a mature response. However, hope that people don’t take advantage of that, and that she’ll be able to stand up for herself without being ‘violent’! You’re right. Good behaviour starts from home.

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  8. Bhupesh Avatar
    Bhupesh

    🙂 my fav topicBut I am happy now, that Shaurya is now not at receiving end, even at age of 17 months he gives back!!:) And I am happy about it!But I do not want him to bully others too!In my views the main problem these days are1. Improper attention from parents2. Influence of movies/ETC ETC3. Insecurity (as if some one is introvert, he/she gets some more attention from teacher and all):)

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  9. dr.antony Avatar
    dr.antony

    Most kid fights are merely annoying squabbles and adult intervention delays the process of children working it out themselves. Fighting is often a way for kids to get attention–and for some kids, negative attention is better than none at all. If adults ignore the fighting and don’t let it become a “center stage” in the home or location, it becomes less of a reason to do it.Kids can fight for the silliest reasons that seem utterly illogical..even humorous to adults..but it can become a friendship maker or breaker in the minds of young children. Siblings will also fight over the most mundane issues.Kids fighting is a child behavior that is part of growing up. It is better to ignore kid fights if there is no true harm (physical, emotional or mental) being inflicted. Kids watch how adults behave and act when they are mad, disagree with something, or take issues. Calm under pressure and self control sets a positive example.

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  10. dr.antony Avatar
    dr.antony

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. dr.antony Avatar
    dr.antony

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @chandrika Not really! I think, he has a long way to go.@Bart What you say makes a lot of sense. I was worried about the same thing that teaching aggression in one area could lead to a manifestation of violence in other behaviors. Is it self-esteem or confidence that I need to build upon? Anyway, it is difficult for him to call out the bully, maybe, it will happen slowly — the assertiveness but not soon enough. Meanwhile, I am teaching him how to defend himself.

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  13. Jon Avatar
    Jon

    Hah..Frankly I am quite shocked… No surprises that we get to hear so many juvenile atocties…Although I can’t offer much advise…I hope Gautam gets over his shyness and assert himself at times.Today’s world rarely gives you a chance to be yourself

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  14. hot girl Avatar
    hot girl

    very nice

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  15. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @RGB You have a wonderful girl there. I hope for a day when my sons will be able to brush aside the smaller episodes with a gentle understanding and a smile.@Bhupesh Good for Shaurya! about the reasons you mentioned, sometimes it could be too much or too little attention by the parents. Teachers- Yes, they have to give more time to shy students, but P is not in Gautam’s class. I think, he is a brat, more so, with the support of his doting mother.

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  16. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @dr. anthony I agree with all that you have said — childhood squabbles — sure. Don’t interfere, let them sort is out — also fine. I only reacted after repeated incidents with the same child who was physically beating my son. He was coming home crying, and the intervention that happened was not in front of either of the kids but between the parents. At the same time, it is important not to suffer or let your child suffer. We have to make our kids competent enough to face the world and not nervous wrecks who are afraid to step out of the house.Keeping calm and reacting positively — great behavior traits, but those who have young kids know how difficult it is to do that at all times.@Jon Yeah, it is a terrible world out there. I don’t know if I want him to overcome his shyness, because that is a very endearing trait in him. What I do want is for him to be a little more confident and more assertive to handle his own troubles. But, then he is just 4, and he might need a helping hand sometimes.@hot girl thank you!

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  17. gayatri Avatar
    gayatri

    What can I say of parents like this one here? They are the reason kids turn out to be bullies. They feel proud of their kid actions, to them, he is just exhibiting a leadership trait! he is able to make everybody notice him, The other kids are scared of my kid! Yey! my kid is a hero! Yeah, kids will pick on other shy kids because they don’t know any better. Its the parents job,to correct them and lead them away from such behavior. Try to direct that energy towards constructive stuff. We are each one responsible for a healthy society. We are not living in an animal world where the fittest gets the right to survive. we are humans and have created civilized societies and if we don’t work at stopping bad behavior..of course they are going to act without leash! There was another post..actually so many posts dealing with this topic. Each and every parent of a bullied kid is dealing with this confusion..if they have to encourage their kids to retaliate or ignore to the point the other kid will loose interest in bulling him further.http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/tag/bullying/

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  18. david Avatar
    david

    Maybe someday I’ll have to worry about this stuff! 😀 But to say something now, I think you did the best when you encouraged him to self-defense! Give awareness to the agressor, so he understands that he cannot do what he does, is an arduous task! Talking with parents has no effect. Then you’d better tell your son: If he attacks, counter attack!I remember one day I came to a friend’s home crying on because I had taken a beating at school. My friend told me to stop crying because if his father saw me crying would get very angry. I asked why and he said: “My father told me that I cannot come home until I stop crying, if I take a beating in a fight!” And because of that he never returned home crying, even when he was beaten. We had ten years!!At the time I remember thinking this: “If mom did that instead of going to my school to put fear in the boys who fight with me, maybe I would be more like a “man” and would face them instead be beaten or run.So I think you did right by telling them to react. Although I don’t know if my life would be different today if I had faced my fights at school instead of running. Perhaps this has become a trauma in my life 😀 😀

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  19. sm Avatar
    sm

    excellent articleone should always teach if someone slaps youtell him you are angry2nd time if possible break his handand go report the matter to authority in self defense he has to beat him.

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  20. Deepa Avatar
    Deepa

    Childhood is not nearly as innocent as the stereotypes make it out to be. A big hug to your son and thumbs up for being able to face up to the bully and tell him off. The parent of the bully does not realise the harm they are doing to their child by not correcting their behaviour. The boy will grow up to be a bully. Girls also indulge in bullying. A different sort of bullying. Its more like mind games and being exclusionary. My poor niece is dealing with this at school. There is no overt sign of bullying like there is among boys. But the girls are vicious.

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  21. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @gayatri Yes didi. That must be their logic that their child is a hero of some sort, else why would any parent support violent behavior.That’s a good link you posted. I am also trying to find a balance in teaching good manners yet teaching the child to handle violent behavior from others. You know how difficult it is for a shy child to not be frightened and to come out of his shell. I am trying on all these fronts. Ignoring was not working, so we are teaching him to retaliate him. We hear from Siddharth about these cruel teasing episodes he faces. I don’t know why some kids are so mean, and they get so much pleasure in reducing another kids to tears, it dismays me.

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  22. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @david Your experience is so touching. I have also seen parents who tell their kids that don’t come home crying. I guess they are trying to say toughen up — face the situation. But, it is easier said than done for a child who is intimidated by a bully. As a parent, we are the last frontiers for our child. If we turn the child away and shout at him then who will he go to? I feel giving the child tips on how to handle mean behavior would help. My older son is 8 years old, and he is a sensitive kind. A small taunt can bring tears to his eyes, which is exploited very well by the kids he plays with. Often times, both of us tell him what words he can use in certain situations or how to handle abuses and so on? He is getting better, yet I don’t want him to lose his gentle nature and sensitive streak. That is tough as I teach him to toughen up. One thing is certain, he knows mummy and daddy are there to look after his interest.Maybe, we all would have turned out differently given certain different situations :). But, if there is something particular about yourself that you are aware of and want to change — you can still embark upon the change. The good part of being an adult is the understanding of what has happened, and how to look at things from a logical viewpoint, and then work towards changing something negative. These are two other posts about similar topics, I had written earlierhttp://www.rachnaparmar.com/2010/06/lessons-in-life.htmlhttp://www.rachnaparmar.com/2009/07/increasing-intolerance-at-school.html

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  23. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @sm Well a little radical, your approach :). But essentially, self-defense is crucial, as you pointed out.@Deepa Thank you. And, you are dead right. Girls would not physically harm you, but they could be cruel and downright rude by ignoring you, passing horrible remarks, not speaking to you, ignoring you. In essence, doing everything which makes you feel wretched and depressed. That is another angle that has to be dealt with severely and with a lot of tact because no overt harm is visible. Very valid point!

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  24. Destiny's child... Avatar
    Destiny’s child…

    I am glad Gautam handled the situation well by scaring away his bully. Just hope the bully doesn’t make a habit of provoking your son.

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  25. rohini Avatar
    rohini

    dear this is the prob i face….neil seem to be shy bt he often bullies his class mates..he doesnt open up instantly and once he opens then he gets over enthusiastic…seeing him bully is a concern for me…

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  26. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @Destiny’s child My concern too.@rohini Oh, you will have to be firm enough to nip it in the bud. Sometimes, at Neil’s age, it could be a passing phase, so do observe it.

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  27. rama Avatar
    rama

    Good for your son, he stood up for himself. That bully won’t pester him again. I think it is too much pressure on the kids these days that is making them behave in this manner. Plus you see these everybody is working and everybody is bullied by somebody, and they in turn start bullying the next person. Life has become like that, and we sure can’t change everyone, but we can only make our children feel strong to face an situation, and maybe he could try becoming, friends with that boy slowly and understand why he is forced to behave in this manner. But expecting all this from a young child also is too much.But please don’t worry, for from now on that boy will not dare to trouble your child.

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  28. Bikramjit Avatar
    Bikramjit

    dont get me started on the bullying thing, I have suffered it a lot when i was a child in school, so i know … I completely agree with you , the parents have to be asked the question, two weeks ago we were called when a parent in year 5 called the police as there son was being bullied .. the boy who was bullying his mother was standing there as if her son had done nothing wrong, it was like the sun shone from the son’s backside.. I had to tell the mother if she doesnot say anything now in a few years time the same son will be bullying her too and then get into trouble or fall in wrong hands .. I wud not like gautam hitting back, but in this case he did the right thing.. one has to stand for themself, I always say if someone bullies u , you take it once , tell the teacher , take it twice tell the teacher but if it happens again then you make sure that you thump the person so hard that they dont get up from the floor that will teach them a lesson Bikram’s

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  29. Rachna Avatar
    Rachna

    @rama I agree a lot with what you say. The ideal thing would be not to retaliate with violence. But, you yourself said that it is unrealistic to expect such a little child to understand that. So, I guess this will be the way to go for now.@Bikram Amen! Your logic is bang on target. I feel all these things, and also am really against bullying of any kind.

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  30. Anne Avatar
    Anne

    Hi Rachna, It is a good thing that your children have shared their hurt with you. Sadly in India, bullying is often trivialized which discourages children to confide in their parents about it, fearing the consequences. This obviously leads to more stress and emotional turmoil to the young child. Maintaining open lines of communication with children is such an important step for the children to feel reassured and confident. You might find another helpful read on helping your child through bullying here: http://www.womensweb.in/home-health/parenting/item/helping-your-child-through-bullying.html?category_id=9

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  31. #1000Speak on Building from Bullying – when my son taught me something – Rachna Says

    […] written extensively about bullying on my blog. This was a recent incident. Then there was another one when my younger son was little. My younger son also faces a lot of bullying for different reasons […]

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I’m Rachna

Welcome to Rachna says, my first abode on the internet where I share snippets of my mundane life, as I navigate empty nest with my husband. You can also get my recipes at my food blog, Rachna cooks.

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